Looking For Lala Land
It sounds simple enough: Bathe, feed, cuddle, place in crib. Maybe you
will even get one of those really good-natured guys or gals who fall
effortlessly into a predictable eating, sleeping, and napping routine.
Maybe you'll also win the lottery and never have to worry about the cost
of college. But if you're like most of us, figuring out how to get your
baby to fall asleep at the right time and in the right place will take
you a good part of the first year of her life -- sometimes longer, but
we won't go there just yet.
We at Babytalk have
been saying for a while now that there is no one right way to put your
baby to bed: What matters most is that you feel good about how you're
handling your baby's nighttime routine. A strong sense of security is
going to be a far better predictor of how your baby sleeps at night than
how much he weighs, how much he eats, where he sleeps, and how many
months he's logged here on Planet Earth -- or whatever else you heard at
your last mommy group. That said, here are five baby bedtime strategies
worth a try. It's up to you and your baby to figure out what it will
ultimately take to ensure that everyone in your family is getting as
much sleep as possible.
1. The Drowsy Tuck-In
Almost regardless of where you turn for sleep advice, you will discover
the golden rule of baby bedtime: Tuck your baby in sleepy but not yet
konked out, so he learns to self-soothe and nod off on his own. The
benefits to this approach are many: For starters, your bedtime routine
will be shorter and less stressful. For another, your baby will go back
to sleep more easily after his nighttime feedings. Finally, after he
reaches the blessed point that he no longer wakes for nighttime
feedings, he will still wake intermittently (as we all do), but he'll be
able to roll over and go back to sleep on his own. In short, you won't
be his sleep crutch, which means more rest for both of you.
How to get to that heavenly place? The general wisdom is to begin to
establish a routine -- including a bath or massage, for example -- that
lets your baby know nighttime is near. Of course you can do some
preliminary soothing -- you'll want to feed him, and maybe rock or sing
or read -- but then lovingly deposit him into bed groggy but still awake
and lying on his back to minimize the risk of SIDS (sudden infant death
syndrome). Then whisper your good nights and good-byes and hightail it
outta there.
2. Soothing Your Baby to Sleep
This is more a natural instinct than a method. Of course your early
attempts at inducing sleep are going to include feeding, rocking,
singing, and swaddling. And all babies do need a wind-down routine. The
catch is that not all babies tolerate the drowsy tuck-in that's supposed
to follow. Some resist loudly when unceremoniously plopped into the
crib, and some moms feel like crap walking away from those wails. Or you
may have a "high-need" or "challenging" baby (politically correct terms
for colicky, fussy, difficult, or whatever else you really feel like
calling her by now). This type of baby might want to be held constantly,
fuss or cry often, and demand her dinner loudly. It's fine to rock a
baby like this to sleep if that's what your instincts tell you to do. If
she loves sucking, lay in a stash of pacifiers -- especially if you're
nursing, so you don't become a human pacifier. Then once your baby is
out cold, hold your breath, rise from your rocker ever so gently, tiptoe
across the room, and lower her slowly, slowly, slowly into the crib.
One of the biggest challenges of this approach is that babies often wake
up the minute your arms are no longer around them--and you'd jump out
the window yourself if there wasn't a window guard on it! Here's a good
tip if you find yourself in this situation a little too often: Since a
cold sheet can be a rude awakening for these sensitive babies, keep a
blanket over the sheet until just before tuck-in, and the sheet will
feel warm and cozy on her little body.
3. Co-Sleeping
If you like following the concept of attachment parenting, the style of
childrearing that involves lots of close physical bonding
(breastfeeding, babywearing, et cetera), you may love the close
connection of sleeping in the same bed with your baby, too. Some moms
like the idea of this approach even before their baby is born. They may
have been raised this way themselves or are attracted to the emotional
connection that lots of physical contact brings. Moms who are
exclusively breastfeeding may find that sleeping alongside their baby
makes the constant nighttime feedings of the early weeks and months
easier to manage. Still others have a high-need baby and fall into the
so-called family bed because it's pretty much the only way anyone in the
family can seem to get any sleep. A baby who is fussy and demanding, or
shy and introverted, may really thrive on this intimacy and immediate
meeting of his needs. Bear in mind, however, that there are some infants
who are easily overstimulated and may not do so well in the bed with
Mom, and you may have to accept that even if it's not what you had in
mind (it's just one of the first clues you will get that your baby makes
plenty of the decisions!). If you go the family-bed route, you also
need to realize that babies who sleep with their parents are at a higher
risk for sudden infant death syndrome. In 2005, the American Academy of
Pediatrics came out with a strongly worded policy stating that infants
under 6 months should not sleep in the same bed with their parents
because research shows it ups the risk of SIDS. In fact, nearly 50
percent of babies who die of SIDS are in a bed-sharing situation,
according to the AAP. One in about two thousand babies dies of SIDS each
year -- not a huge number, but huge to the devastated parents who lose
their children this way.
As the AAP's new guidelines indicate, a co-sleeper, crib, or bassinet
next to your bed is safest, but if you choose to go to sleep with the
baby in your bed (or it's the only way to get your little guy to nod
off), make sure you are vigilant about these ground rules:
- Keep your baby safer by putting him down on his back.
- Keep him away from any blankets or pillows.
- Don't
sleep with your baby on a water bed, on a sofa, or in an armchair.
These are even more dangerous than a traditional adult bed.
- Maintain a smoke-free environment.
- Never use alcohol, drugs, or any medication that might make you unaware of your baby's presence.
- Remember
that your baby's bedtime should be before yours, so avoid keeping him
up until you turn in. Lie down with your baby to get him to sleep
somewhere between 6 and 8 pm, and then move him into a co-sleeper by
your bed so he's safe until you return. Move him next to you when you go
to bed if that's what you choose to do.
- Babytalk contributing editor William Sears, MD, co-author of The Baby Sleep Book,
recommends that babies sleep next to their mothers, rather than between
both parents, because he feels a mother will be more aware of the
baby's presence and less likely to roll over on him.
4. The Gentle Good Night
If you began your sleep routine with lots of soothing in the early
months and now find yourself wearying of all the work, yet you don't
have the nerves for crying, or a baby adaptable enough to segue smoothly
into a drowsy tuck-in routine, there is still another in-between
solution for older (at least 5 months old) babies: You can attempt to
gradually wean your child off an extended bedtime routine with what
experts refer to as deconditioning or modified sleep training. You can
try it on any baby, but it may work best on one with a fairly easygoing
disposition; babies who are clingy and sensitive or high-energy and
intense may put up more resistance. The big benefit here is that you get
to take back your night eventually, with fewer baby tears and less
maternal angst than traditional cry-it-out methods entail. The downside:
You have to be very patient and very consistent for several weeks.
Here's how it works: Adopt a very consistent bedtime wind-down routine
(always nurse or give a bottle in the same spot, then read a book or
sing a song); then tuck your baby into her crib while she's still awake,
only instead of hoofing it out of there, pull up a chair next to her
crib. If she fusses -- and she probably will at first -- talk to her and
touch her intermittently (patting her tummy, back, or head) to soothe
her. Try not to pick her up -- but you can do so briefl y if she's
really hysterical. Stay as long as it takes for her to fall asleep, then
leave the room; repeat the method if she wakes during the night.
Perform this routine consistently for the next three days at nap- and
bedtime. On day four, move your chair about halfway across the room,
between the crib and the door, and reassure your baby verbally from
there until she falls asleep and you can leave. Again, stick with this
routine for three days. On days seven and eight, move the chair all the
way to the doorway and if necessary again give your reassurances
verbally from there. By about day nine, with any luck you should be able
to tuck your baby in and promptly leave without wails.
5. Ferberizing
Okay, you're in the same place as the last mom: Your're fed up with the
complicated routine and night wakings, but you want faster results and
think you can handle some crying. And deep down, you know you'll be a
better, more loving parent when you get your life in order again, too.
If your baby is no longer a newborn, you can try Ferberizing -- a method
popularized by Richard Ferber, MD, in the classic book he recently
revised, Solve Your Child's Sleep Problems. Over the years (the book was
first published in the 1980s), critics have dubbed Ferberizing the
"cry-it-out" sleep method, and possibly because he himself wearied of
the callous reputation he'd developed, the new edition offers some
caveats. Ferber now emphasizes that his method doesn't always work,
especially on really sensitive infants, so consider your baby's
personality before you attempt it. Ferberizing is best used after 4
months (you should always respond quickly to newborns) and before 8
months, when babies haven't fallen into hard-to-break habits. It's also
ideal for an initially easy baby who may be getting more active and thus
more resistant to going to bed because his world has suddenly become
much more engaging. You yourself will need nerves of steel. If you're
the type who feels like crying whenever your baby does, don't even
bother to read on. But if you're exhausted and just can't take it
anymore, here's how it works. Begin with your usual bedtime routine, but
(and by now you know what's next . . .) tuck your baby in when he's
sleepy but still awake. If he cries -- and he will if he's not used to
being deposited in his crib awake, no matter how lovingly -- respond by
consoling him with a soft, reassuring voice and by rubbing his tummy,
but explain that it is bedtime and you are going. Your soothing tone
should help even when he can't understand the words. Leave the room for a
brief period -- about five minutes at first -- then return to console
him if he is still upset, but don't take him out of the crib. Repeat
this pattern until your baby falls asleep on his own, and do so again if
he wakes in the middle of the night. Each consecutive night, lengthen
the time you let him fuss by a few more minutes, then go in to comfort
him, until it is no longer necessary.
