Kids don't have to pay bills, cook dinners, or manage carpools. But —
just like adults — they have their share of daily demands and things
that don't go smoothly. If frustrations and disappointments pile up,
kids can get stressed or worried.
It's natural for all kids to worry at times, and because of personality
and temperament differences, some may worry more than others. Luckily,
parents can help kids learn to manage stress and tackle everyday
problems with ease. Kids who can do that develop a sense of confidence
and optimism that will help them master life's challenges, big and
small.
What Do Kids Worry About?
What kids worry about is often related to the age and stage they're in.
Kids and preteens typically worry about things like grades, tests, their
changing bodies, fitting in with friends, that goal they missed at the
soccer game, or whether they'll make the team. They may feel stressed
over social troubles like cliques, peer pressure, or whether they'll be
bullied, teased, or left out.
Because they're beginning to feel more a part of the larger world around
them, preteens also may worry about world events or issues they hear
about on the news or at school. Things like terrorism, war, pollution,
global warming, endangered animals, and natural disasters can become a
source of worry.
Helping Kids Conquer Worry
To help your kids manage what's worrying them:
Find out what's on their minds: Be
available and take an interest in what's happening at school, on the
team, and with your kids' friends. Take casual opportunities to ask how
it's going. As you listen to stories of the day's events, be sure to ask
about what your kids think and feel about what happened.
If your child seems to be worried about something, ask about it.
Encourage kids to put what's bothering them into words. Ask for key
details and listen attentively. Sometimes just sharing the story with
you can help lighten their load.
Show you care and understand. Being
interested in your child's concerns shows they're important to you,
too, and helps kids feel supported and understood. Reassuring comments
can help — but usually only after you've heard your child out. Say that
you understand your child's feelings and the problem.
Guide kids to solutions. You
can help reduce worries by helping kids learn to deal constructively
with challenging situations. When your child tells you about a problem,
offer to help come up with a solution together. If your son is worried
about an upcoming math test, for example, offering to help him study
will lessen his concern about it.
In most situations, resist the urge to jump in and fix a problem for
your child — instead, think it through and come up with possible
solutions together. Problem-solve with kids, rather than for them. By taking an active role, kids learn how to tackle a problem independently.
Keep things in perspective. Without
minimizing a child's feelings, point out that many problems are
temporary and solvable, and that there will be better days and other
opportunities to try again. Teaching kids to keep problems in
perspective can lessen their worry and help build strength, resilience,
and the optimism to try again. Remind your kids that whatever happens,
things will be OK.
So, for example, if your son is worried about whether he'll get the lead
in the school play, remind him that there's a play every season — if he
doesn't get the part he wants this time, he'll have other
opportunities. Acknowledge how important this is to him and let him know
that regardless of the outcome, you're proud that he tried out and gave
it his best shot.
Make a difference. Sometimes
kids worry about big stuff — like terrorism, war, or global warming —
that they hear about at school or on the news. Parents can help by
discussing these issues, offering accurate information, and correcting
any misconceptions kids might have. Try to reassure kids by talking
about what adults are doing to tackle the problem to keep them safe.
Be aware that your own reaction to global events affects kids, too. If
you express anger and stress about a world event that's beyond your
control, kids are likely to react that way too. But if you express your
concern by taking a proactive approach to make a positive difference,
your kids will feel more optimistic and empowered to do the same.
So look for things you can do with your kids to help all of you feel
like you're making a positive difference. You can't stop a war, for
example, but your family can contribute to an organization that works
for peace or helps kids in war-torn countries. Or your family might
perform community service to give your kids the experience of volunteering.
Offer reassurance and comfort. Sometimes
when kids are worried, what they need most is a parent's reassurance
and comfort. It might come in the form of a hug, some heartfelt words,
or time spent together. It helps kids to know that, whatever happens,
parents will be there with love and support.
Sometimes kids need parents to show them how to let go of worry rather
than dwell on it. Know when it's time to move on, and help kids shift
gears. Lead the way by introducing a topic that's more upbeat or an
activity that will create a lighter mood.
Highlight the positive. Ask
your kids what they enjoyed about their day, and listen attentively
when they tell you about what goes great for them or what they had fun
doing. Give plenty of airtime to the good things that happen. Let them
tell you what they think and feel about their successes, achievements,
and positive experiences — and what they did to help things turn out so
well.
Schedules are busy, but make sure there's time for your kids to do
little things they feel good doing. Daily doses of positive emotions and
experiences — like enjoyment, gratitude, love, amusement, relaxation,
fun, and interest — offset stress and help kids do well.
Be a good role model. The
most powerful lessons we teach kids are the ones we demonstrate. Your
response to your own worries, stress, and frustrations can go a long way
toward teaching your kids how to deal with everyday challenges. If
you're rattled or angry when dealing with a to-do list that's too long,
your kids will learn that as the appropriate response to stress.
Instead, look on the bright side and voice optimistic thoughts about
your own situations at least as often as you talk about what bothers or
upsets you. Set a good example with your reactions to problems and
setbacks. Responding with optimism and confidence teaches kids that
problems are temporary and tomorrow's another day. Bouncing back with a
can-do attitude will help your kids do the same.
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