The Goal of “Growing Up”

“Perhaps the single most important point for parents to follow is the importance of giving goals to a child. And the most important goal is that of growing up to be an adult.”

“A child should have responsibility and independence commensurate with his status as a child.  He should have things which are wholly his and about which he decides everything.  But under no circumstances should he be possessed automatically of as much right as an adult in the sphere of the home.  To give him this is to remove the main goal of his life:  growing up.” –LRH

The above quote is from L. Ron Hubbard‘s article on A Child’s Dignity and his Goals from the Successfully Raising Children Course.

I know that Toys R’ Us will make more money if children never want to grow up, but as parents we all do want our children to ‘grow up’ and be able to be independent, responsible, happy adults who can create their own lives.   As such, what incentive are you giving your children to ‘grow up’?   Do they have things that they’re looking forward to that grown-ups can do?  Or are you demonstrating to them that life is arduous, that work sucks, that being married sucks, and that the only thing that’s any fun ever vegging out on the couch in front of a movie?

It is continual food for thought as children grow up.   As their abilities and awareness grow, how can you continually demonstrate to them that it’s a great idea to grow up?

Silent Birth Questions & Answers

This is all about providing the best possible environment for the birthing mother and her new baby.

It is labor and delivery done in a calm and loving environment and with no-spoken words by everyone attending as much as possible.   Chatty doctors and nurses, shouts to “PUSH, PUSH” and loud or laughing remarks to “encourage” are the types of noises that are meant to be avoided.

It is based on Mr. Hubbard’s research into the mind and spirit. He found that words spoken during moments of pain and unconsciousness can have adverse effects on an individual later in life. They are recorded in the reactive mind as engram.  Anyone can read about this in the book Dianetics, The Modern Science of Mental Health.

Mothers naturally want to give their baby the best possible start in life and thus keep the birth as quiet as possible.

HOW DOES THIS ACTUALLY WORK?

There is no specific routine.  Just like care is taken in all other aspects of labor and birth, a woman and her doctor or midwife and any others present work out how to communicate without words.  Different women have done different things.

Is it true that Scientologists can’t touch or talk to their baby for three days to a week?  Or are there seven days of silence after birth?

Absolutely not, this is a complete fabrication and not a practice of Scientology.  What L. Ron Hubbard actually said about the matter is:

“Scientology parents make the baby part of the family at once.  They start talking to the baby.  They usually make very, very sure that the baby didn’t have a rough passage prenatally and that the baby had a decent and easy birth.

When a child arrives, the normal thing they tell the child is, “Well, how are you?  Glad you’re here.”

And you’d think offhand that this would simply be fond parental belief that the child was answering up, but it isn’t.  It’s amazing.

You tell a little baby, if you’re its parent, “We’re going to keep you.  It’s okay.  We’re going to keep you.”  And you always get a sigh!  They’re so happy about that.  It’s such a relief to them.” – L. Ron Hubbard

IS IT A CHURCH RULE THAT THEIR MEMBERS MUST ADHERE TO THIS PRACTICE?

Not at all.  A woman’s delivery is always up to her and her doctor.

DOES THE CHURCH HAVE RULES AGAINST PAINKILLERS, ANESTHESIA OR OTHER MEDICAL DRUGS?

The Church has no policy against the use of medicines to help a person with a physical situation. When it is a medical problem, it is up to the doctor and the patient.

DOESN’T L. RON HUBBARD RECOMMEND/ADVOCATES A NATURAL, DRUG-FREE BIRTH?

Yes, because it is best for the mother and the child. It is common knowledge that natural childbirth is best, but that doesn’t always work out, and it is up to the mother and her doctor.

IT HAS BEEN REPORTED THAT MANY SCIENTOLOGISTS WILL DEMAND A NATURAL CHILDBIRTH WITH NO DRUGS.  WHY?

It is the mother’s choice. If they don’t use drugs it’s simply because a mother wants the best for her new baby. 

DO DOCTORS AGREE WITH THESE PROCEDURES?

Of course.  It’s a personal decision of the mother and doesn’t interfere with any medical procedure.  Doctors naturally respect the right of a mother to choose her own birth experience.

In the 1960s and 1970s a number of popular natural child birth methods evolved from the principles of a calm, quiet and relaxed birthing environment and little or no anesthesia.   Two of the most well known and followed were the Bradley Method developed by Dr. Robert A. Bradley and the Leboyer Method developed by the French obstetrician Dr. Frederick Leboyer.

The Leboyer Method includes dim lights and gentle handling without sudden movement that may jar or startle the baby.  In his book Birth Without Violence, Leboyer wrote:

“Nothing could be simpler: be silent.  Easy?  Less so than it might seem.  By nature we’re talkers.  Even when our lips are still, the interior monologue does not slow down.  Besides, to be silent in someone else’s company is so unsettling that we rarely attempt it.  To be silent, attentive, to listen, to hear that which is unspoken – all this demands great effort.

“This apprenticeship of silence – so indispensable for mothers – is just as important for those who perform the delivery: the obstetricians, the attendants.

“People speak loudly in the delivery room.  The calls to “push, push” are rarely whispered.

“So profoundly wrong.

“These loud outbursts upset the mother more than help her.  Lowered voices can relax her.  And do far more for her than shouting.

“Those who assist in deliveries must learn this new silence.  They too must be prepared to receive the child with care and respect.”

Bradley urges darkness and solitude, quiet, physical comfort and relaxation.  He also teaches exercises and muscle relaxation for labor with slow, deep breathing, take-your-time approach in a quiet, unlit, pillow-laden environment.   In a 1965 he made the statement that:

“We warn husbands to be quiet and not disruptive, to rub the back between contractions.”

In a book called The Secret Life of the Unborn Child, Thomas Verny, M.D. wrote:

“[T]he unborn child is a feeling, remembering, aware being, and because he is, what happens to him—what happens to all of us—in the nine months between conception and birth molds and shapes personality, drives and ambitions in very important ways.”

A 1998 Swedish study found that “minimizing pain and discomfort to the infant during birth seems to be of importance in reducing the risk of committing suicide by violent means as an adult.”

CAN YOU EXPLAIN FURTHER WHAT DIANETICS IS?

L. Ron Hubbard discovered the single source of stress, worry, self-doubt and psychosomatic illness, which is the reactive mind.  This part of the mind records all perceptions in times of pain and unconsciousness and in particular, words spoken during these moments can have very adverse effects on people later in life.

Full information on this is available in the book, Dianetics: The Modern Science of Mental Health.

HOW DOES SCIENTOLOGY APPROACH PARENTING?

There is a lot written in Scientology about children, and more on this site. Scientology helps people understand their basic nature and this alone helps parents tremendously.

Some of the basic principles Scientologists apply to parenting are summed up in the following quotes:

“Today’s children will become tomorrow’s civilization.  Try to be the
child’s friend.  It is certainly true that a child needs friends.  Try to
find out what a child’s problem really is and without crushing their own
solutions, try to help solve them.  A child factually does not do well
without love.  Most children have an abundance of it to return.” – The Way
to Happiness

“The spoiled child is the child whose decisions have been interrupted
continuously and who is robbed of his independence.” – Dianetics: The
Modern Science of Mental Health
“Affection could no more spoil a child than the sun could be put out by a
bucket of gasoline.” – Dianetics: The Modern Science of Mental Health

“A good, stable adult with love and tolerance in his heart is about the best therapy a child can have.” –Child Dianetics

“A human being feels able and competent only so long as he is permitted to contribute as much or more than he has contributed to him.” Child Dianetics

10 Reasons Why Handheld Devices Should NOT Be “Banned” for Kids Under 12

Cris Rowan’s Huffington Post article entitled “10 Reasons Why Handheld Devices Should Be Banned for Children Under the Age of 12” has been all over my Facebook wall, having been shared over 350,000 times at this writing, and has gotten a good bit of traction.  I’m sure a lot of parents go way overboard with technology, and end up using TV, tablets, computers and smartphones as knowing or un-knowing crutches for actual parenting involvement.   I’m also fairly sure that the number of people actively trying to prove that their 6-year-old being constantly glued to Angry Birds is “healthy” for their development are the same types who try desperately to prove that diets of purely chocolate and beer are somehow good for them in the long run.

But still, BANNED?   “Banned” is a really strong word to use on technology.   So, I took her article as food for thought, and wanted to offer my own thoughts on the matter.

To recap, her basic 10 points were:

1. The rapid brain growth of kids ages 0-2 would be impaired by lack of environmental stimuli, owing to over-exposure to technology.
2. Technology overuse leads to delays in physical development
3. TV & video game use correlates with epidemic obesity
4. Sleep deprivation due to parents allowing kids to take electronic devices to bed unsupervised
5. “Technology overuse is implicated as a causal factor in rising rates of child depression, anxiety, attachment disorder, attention deficit, autism, bipolar disorder, psychosis and problematic child behavior.”
6. Exposure to violent TV & video games engendering aggressive behaviour in kids.
7. “Digital dementia” leading to attention deficit and inability to learn stemming from media over-exposure.
8. Addictions to video games & devices, and at the same time, parents becoming less attached to their kids
9. Radiation emissions from devices
10. “It’s unsustainable” to raise & educate kids with technology.

Is Attachment Parenting Right For Your Family?

Though attachment parenting is often depicted as a woman who breastfeeds her 3-year-old, wears her infant 24/7, and sleeps in a family bed with her children snuggled by her side, the founding concepts of attachment parenting [AP] are much broader. "It's easier [for the media] to say 'AP is breastfeeding, bed-sharing, and baby-wearing' rather than talking about emotional attunement, positive discipline, and secure attachment," says Barbara Nicholson, co-founder of Attachment Parenting International (API) and co-author of Attached at the Heart. But is attachment parenting suitable for you and your family?

First, keep in mind that attachment parenting is neither right nor wrong. "There are different parenting styles and no one way is clearly the right way, as there are varied opinions on the right approach," says Daniel Bober, D.O., child psychiatrist and Medical Director of Pediatric Psychiatry for Joe DiMaggio Hospital in Hollywood, Florida. "This is because every child and every parent is a unique individual and you need to find what works best for you."

A Good Fit

You can't imagine letting your baby "cry it out." If the idea of letting your child cry herself to sleep doesn't sit right with you, then attachment parenting may work for you. The philosophy believes that infants are not capable of self-soothing and only develop this over time, after being in an environment that promotes safety, closeness, and consistency. This method says that a baby's cries are her way of communicating with you, and that by ignoring those cues, you're breaking down her trust and sense of security.

Holding your baby all day feels natural. Attachment parenting believes that physical closeness builds trust and attachment bonds, so attachment proponents use baby-wearing in a sling or other baby carrier as a way to keep your child close during errands, housework, exercise throughout the day. Likewise, nighttime is not seen as a break from your child, but an important continued bonding time through cosleeping or bed-sharing.

You have a support team. "AP is definitely a hands-on type of parenting," Nicholson says, since it is "asking parents to be emotionally responsive to their children, and not ignoring their cues." Whether it's a spouse, partner, nanny, or an API group, a support system provide a breather, advice, or listening ear so that attachment parenting will likely be more successful.

Attachment parenting just feels right. Many attachment proponents say that its techniques are instinctual. If the practices of baby-wearing and cosleeping seem like no-brainers, this style may the one for you.

A Possible Match

You like the ideas of the philosophy, but aren't quite sure how to integrate them with your full-time work schedule, unsupportive partner, etc. "Attachment parenting takes work and commitment," Dr. Bober says. "It remains a highly personal decision and parents should look at factors such as the schedule and time commitments of the caretaker(s) involved and the personality type of each caretaker, and whether this would be compatible with attachment parenting." Still, there are plenty of single parents and parents who work full-time who use this method. In her book, Nicholson found that "many [parents working full-time] have said it was even more imperative that they do all they can to have a close connection when they were with their children to make up for the hours apart." Often these parents would get creative with their schedules, tag-team with a spouse or partner, or enlist the help of a grandparent, family friend, or nanny to provide consistent, loving AP-style care.

You physically can't or don't want to breastfeed, cosleep, baby-wear. An inability to use one of the techniques of attachment parenting, or a disinterest in them, shouldn't dissuade you. Nicholson notes that the Eight Principles of Parenting outlined by Attachment Parenting International are "tools not rules." "API was founded to give parents the loving support they need to find solutions for their family that will keep their connection strong, no matter how many strategies they can use from the Eight Principles that we promote," she says. For example, if you can't breastfeed, API recommends using similar breastfeeding behaviors during bottle-feeding, such as switching which side you feed Baby on and holding Baby in a similar position to one used in breastfeeding.

You have a preemie. Premature babies miss out on key womb time so it can be important for their development to give them as much of a womblike experience as possible during their first few months of life. Even if you don't end up using attachment parenting in the long term, techniques such as skin-to-skin "kangaroo care" have been shown to be beneficial in helping the cognitive, physiological, and emotional development of preemies.

Not an Ideal Fit

You philosophically disagree with the basic concept or many of the strategies of attachment parenting.There is no single correct parenting style, so if attachment parenting doesn't line up with your child-rearing beliefs or personality (for example, you believe in letting babies learn to fall asleep on their own), there's no reason to force it. You can develop a strong bond with your child through other parenting methods.

You've tried attachment parenting and it made you depressed. Proponents of attachment parenting would suggest that perhaps you didn't have enough support or weren't finding adequate balance in your parenting. But a 2012 study published in the Journal of Child and Family Studies found that intensive mothering beliefs can be detrimental to the mental well-being of the mother. If trying to perfectly apply attachment parenting is making you feel overwhelmed or like a failure, use the method as a loose guideline or consider looking at other parenting methods.

Copyright © 2013 Meredith Corporation.

All content on this Web site, including medical opinion and any other health-related information, is for informational purposes only and should not be considered to be a specific diagnosis or treatment plan for any individual situation. Use of this site and the information contained herein does not create a doctor-patient relationship. Always seek the direct advice of your own doctor in connection with any questions or issues you may have regarding your own health or the health of others.

Parents at risk of fraud after the government loses personal details

Computer discs with more than 25 million people’s details on them have, astonishingly, been lost in the post. The sensitive information contained the personal details of everyone claiming child benefit in the UK, including 7.25 million who have it paid directly into their bank accounts. It was apparently sent on two computer discs by a junior official from Washington, Tyne and Wear, to London via courier on October 18th. The discs – which were not encrypted, only password protected - didn’t arrive. The banking industry were not told until last Friday.
Chancellor of the Exchequer, Alistair Darling, said he “deeply regretted” what had happened, and added that banks were monitoring bank accounts. People are being urged to pay close attention to their accounts in case of “unusual activity”, but have been assured that if they lose money because of this, it will be refunded.

Who may be affected?

Anyone who claims child benefit – which is available to each parent (and normally claimed by the mother) who has a child or children aged under 16.
Older children in full-time education are still entitled to child benefit, so their parents are also at risk.
Child benefit is taken up by nearly 100 percent of those eligible.

What does the data include:

• Names, address and birth date
• Partner’s details
• Children’s names, ages and sex
• Bank account details
• National insurance number.

Why is this such all such a concern?

Fraudsters would be delighted if this information fell into their hands, as it would give them all they needed to create false identities (such as setting up credit agreements or taking out credit cards) or to try and take money from people’s bank accounts.
Banks are now bracing themselves for people to possibly close their accounts – although it might be that instead, they decide to change their passwords, especially if they have been using their children's names or dates of births.

What should people do?

• Check your bank accounts in case of “irregular activity”
• Change passwords on your bank accounts.
• Be vigilant about possible signs of ID theft or fraud – eg letters approving or denying you credit which don’t ring any bells.
• You could ring one of the three credit reference agencies, Experian, Equifax or Callcredit.co.uk, although they do charge for their monitoring services.

There is a Child Benefit Helpline you can call for more details: Ring 0845 302 1444.

The police are now investigating the hunt for the discs.

Relationship earthquake: the birth of your first child

Even after a text-book pregnancy and straightforward delivery, the arrival of a first, much-wanted baby is an earthquake in any relationship.

Whether we are prepared for it or not (and let’s face it most of us have little experience of the realities) the arrival of a baby is a massive shock. Amid the cards, the congratulations and high levels of excitement there are many fears and worries that lurk unvoiced.

Three’s a crowd

First, and foremost, what was a couple is now a trio – and for many, three certainly is a crowd! Whereas the couple may have been able to nurture and care for each other without interruption, the new visitor will certainly be at the top of the pecking order.
Baby's demands for food or comfort takes priority and usually dad’s nose is pushed out. He is not allowed to complain either and must bury his grievance away from the cooing public.
Sadly many affairs start around about this time (for men) as a search for the lost admiration and care takes place. The betrayal experienced by the partner will be doubly hard as she feels less valued by her partner, and the extended family becomes involved.

...what can we do about it?

The important thing to remember is that it is essential to find some way to reconnect as a couple and to be able to voice the darker, more worrying aspects of being parents.

•  Address your partner’s issues. If you think he’s feeling left out, don’t belittle him but talk about it, taking time to recognise how he feels (even if in practise there’s not much you can change). 
•  Get your partner more involved. From mobilising the troops to just changing a nappy, working as a team wherever possible will help you feel less stressed and him feel wanted and needed. 
•  Organise a babysitter to and – no matter what – invest time into your relationship at least once a month, so you remember the joys of being together. 
•  If the going gets difficult it may mean talking with an experienced person about some of the more worrying aspects of the new role.

Sleep deprivation + hormonal changes = anxiety

Mum may feel tired and hormonal changes can increase the tension leaving her feeling alienated from her partner; sometimes disloyal as she attempts to pacify the new stranger who is less than appreciative.
The anxieties of being a new parent can arouse disappointment or rejection. It is often difficult to share these feelings and the chasm can widen. Often the urge to right all the wrongs of our own upbringing can bring overwhelming feelings of despair.
For some, childbirth can bring up more haunting worries. Responsibilities can trigger off real panic. Long forgotten jealousy of a sibling can resurface as the feeling of being unloved or excluded returns. Often, these more deep-rooted anxieties are unconscious and cannot be expressed to each other and a couple can feel they have disconnected and even become hostile.

...what can we do about it? 

•  Renegotiate your relationship: who does what and when is now subject to more pressure than ever before and for the couple who have never sat down to consider their roles and expectations the pressure can be truly daunting. The Step Up Step Back technique is a great tool to balance your new duties inside and outside your home.
•  Stay calm: resentment can escalate and tiredness can add to the problems, and might cause unnecessary outburst you later regret. Take time out before you explode. 

Good preparation is the secret to success

It is important to look at the expectations you have of each other now baby has arrived. Are they shared, are they realistic?

...what can we do about it?

Things you can look at, preferably before the birth are:

•  The practical changes in your daily routine; who does what
• The impact of tiredness or health worries 
•  The loss of one wage 
•  Change in status from worker outside the home to parent at home 
•  Loss of special time together – including sex

Be patient and don’t be too hard on yourselves. Babies grow and relationships can deepen, but you must trust your feelings: if you feel you are at a critical point in your relationship, it may help to meet up with a certificated Couple Counsellor who will have a wider perspective on these issues and help you tackle any personal worries.

Discipline for Twins

If disciplining one child is a challenge, then disciplining twins is an endurance sport. While one child is sitting quietly, the other is likely to be poking his brother’s eye, pulling his hair or throwing a tantrum… Fast forward five minutes and it’s the same scene in reverse.
Helen Kelter is Mum to a mischievous pair of two year old twin boys. She finds their constant need for attention exhausting. “You can only focus on one at a time, but they don’t chill out from the moment they wake until they make it to sleep,” she says.
In one of their latest exploits, Helen’s boys have been taking turns to put each other in the tumble dryer and close the door. Thankfully she has caught them before they found the ON switch!
The Supernanny team has this advice for dealing with some of the most common behaviour issues...

 wins feed off each other’s behaviour, and so long as they’re happy, they will simply ignore Mum. Wherever possible, the best approach is to separate your twins and deal with their behaviour on a one at a time basis.
If preparing for bedtime is difficult, try separating their routine, so whilst one child cleans her teeth, uses the potty and gets dressed, the other does the same in reverse. Without their brother or sister to distract them, they are twice as likely to focus on the task at hand!
Take turns cleaning up toys and give specific instructions, eg. “In two minutes we will start getting ready for bed and Johnny will put away the Lego while Alex cleans up the racing cars.”

Distraction

For toddlers, the easiest way to stop a tantrum is to simply divert their attention. Rotate their activity; bring out their favourite toys, some crayons or sit them in front of a new DVD.
You can also try changing rooms. Even a change of scene from downstairs to upstairs can be enough to stop the situation before it escalates.
Better yet, enlist some help. Relatives, grandparents and older siblings make great playmates because they’re NEW! Five minutes of hide and seek with their older brother is sure to make them forget their troubles. It will also give you a chance to have a break and quiet time!

Routine

Establishing a Bedtime Routine is vital for all families, but particularly where twins are involved. Encourage calm before bed by reading a story, talking quietly about their day and giving them a cuddle. Try to make time for each child individually - a couple of minutes of one to one time before bed is important for both Mum and child.

Reward good behaviour

With multiple children, it’s tempting to focus on whoever is shouting the loudest. The trouble with this approach is that children quickly learn that tantrums are an easy way to get Mum’s attention. Worse still, the quiet child will miss out on the attention he needs. So, before you focus on the screamer, tend to your calm child first, make sure he is content and that he knows you’re pleased with his good behaviour.

Control their sleep

Sleep is undoubtedly one of the biggest issues for twins. All families with twins will tell a similar story – the first six months are likely to be a blur of sleepless nights, grumpy parents and restless babies. When one child is sleeping, the other is awake and crying for Mum or Dad… a mad dash by parents inevitably ensues to prevent the other twin waking up.
Relax! Twin babies quickly grow accustomed to each other’s presence, you’ll find they often don’t wake each other up. If one of your twins wakes after only a few hours, experiment by leaving her to cry for a little while instead of rushing in to comfort her. The other twin may well sleep through the crying, or if she wakes, she might be just enough comfort for the first twin to go back to sleep.
Remember, you’ll parent better if you keep yourselves healthy and well-rested. Helen says, “Mums always think, what if one child wakes the other during a night time feed? My strategy is to just let them get used to it. People are scared of that with twins, but it’s the only way to do it.”

Get out

It’s simply not possible to stimulate twins all day on your own. Try to take your children out every day – even if it’s just to the local park or end of the street. Keeping two children in tow can be challenging, to say the least, so try Supernanny’s techniques to stop them wandering off. If all else fails, many parents resort to a leash. Whilst you may hate the idea, keep your mind open to them if other strategies have failed – you may find it just takes one turn on the leash to give your kids the right idea, and it really is worth trying if it means you can get out more.
If it all seems too much, remember that toddler walks can be as simple as picking flowers in the garden or going next door to pat the cat.
Local toddler groups can be saviours to twin Mums. Find out about parent and child groups in your area and develop a regular schedule. It’s not uncommon for mothers of twins to belong to as many as five different toddler groups, with regular visits to grandma and the neighbours thrown in!

Punishment or positive discipline?

Harsh discipline or ‘punishment’ is about imposing control through authority and power. It tends to be reactive, often in the heat of the moment. There is no discussion, reasoning or negotiation; the phrase “because I say so” is often decreed! When overly punitive consequences are imposed for ‘bad’ behaviour, it can often be counterproductive; children may become resentful, angry and vengeful. Think about how you would feel if a boss or friend started shouting orders, lecturing you or threatening you. Would it make you keen to oblige - or keen to get even?
Not only does overly harsh discipline cause resistance and retaliation, it can easily encourage lying. A child will focus on covering up misdemeanours to avoid punishment, rather than changing the actual behaviour. Finally, remember that punitive consequences fail to teach your child self-control. A child who is always reprimanded without discussion, fails to develop problem solving skills or an ‘inner voice’ that helps them think through behaviour before acting.

What is Positive Discipline?

Positive discipline is about helping your child to learn positive values and develop social skills for life. It may help to think – what am I aiming for as a parent? Getting your child to do what they’re told right now may seem critical in the heat of the moment, but unquestioning obedience is probably not on your list of top adult qualities you aspire to. Instead, most parents aim to raise a young person who is responsible, but also adaptable; adept at compromising and negotiating, skilled at communicating and able to flexibly think their way out of problems. These are exactly the kind of traits positive discipline encourages.
But a word of warning, don’t confuse positive discipline with letting your child do whatever he or she wants! Children whose parents are overly relaxed or “permissive” often struggle with poor self-control and have difficulty committing to decisions.
Positive discipline involves parenting in a warm, kind and respectful way with fair, firm boundaries and relevant, reasonable consequences.

How do I use Positive Discipline?

• Positive discipline must be given in the context of a warm, positive and loving environment. The more positive attention and encouraging comments you give your child, the more they will respond to disapproval. Look out for all examples of desirable behaviour and comment approvingly, such as “wow, Daisy, you waited so quietly when I was on the phone, that was so patient of you!”
  
• Choose your battles. Constant nagging and criticism makes children tune out. Decrease the number of commands given to those that are most important. Ignore minor misbehaviour and focus on the things that really matter and read more about helping your kids to listen.
  
• When you make requests use a polite, respectful and positive tone. Ask yourself “if someone spoke to me in this way, would I feel like obliging?” Avoid: sarcasm; threats; criticism; labelling; teasing; and shouting.
  
• After making a request, allow time for your little one to respond. If you keep nagging them, they will learn to ignore you the first few times you ask for anything.
  
• When making requests, state what you want to happen, not what you want to stop.
  
• Every time your child complies with a request, praise them. You can use star charts, reward charts and special treats to further reinforce specific pre-agreed behaviours.
  
• If your child doesn’t do as you ask, ask again more firmly. This gives your child a chance to change their response. If they still don’t respond, you may chose to use impose a relevant consequence. So if your little one carries on throwing a toy at their sister, after being asked to stop, take the toy off her for half an hour.
  
• If your child gets upset and loses control of their feelings, don’t dismiss their concerns – this will probably make them more frustrated and more likely to act up. Instead, show concern and empathy, for example “hey David, you were really looking forward to going swimming, so no wonder you’re so disappointed it was cancelled”.
  
• Show them an appropriate way of expressing feelings.
  
• Use the “when, then” technique to teach your child the impact of their behaviour on other people, for example: “when you call people names, then they get sad and feel hurt." "When you say sorry, I feel ready to have fun again.”
  
• With older children a problem solving approach can be really effective.
  
• Listen to your child’s ideas, respect their feelings and praise practical solutions. Agree on a mutually acceptable, feasible solution.
  E.g. “You don’t like brushing your teeth because you find the toothpaste tastes horrible, so we agreed that I’ll buy a different make and see if that helps”. “You don’t like me coming into your room in the morning because your tired & don’t feel like talking, so instead, you’re going to set an alarm clock and I’m going to leave you to get up without nagging you”.
   
• At times every parent feels overwhelmed and frustrated and on the edge of imposing a reactive, harsh discipline. When you feel like this, it can be helpful to take time out yourself (making sure your child is safe). This is also a great way to model appropriate behaviour to your child.
  E.g. “Mummy’s feeling really stressed! I’m going to sit in the garden for five minutes”.
  Learn more about how to stop losing your temper with your child.
  
• Make sure you’re not too hard on yourself. It’s easy to be self-critical and dwell on the situations in which you weren’t happy with how you disciplined your child. Instead, take time at the end of each day to remind yourself of times you handled things well and think about what positive things that says about your parenting skills.

7 Reasons to Start Reading Early to your Child

Reading is one of the greatest joys in life, and if you have a passion for it then you know how important it is that your child develops this same passion early in life. I want to share with you the 7 reasons to start reading early to your child, so that you can instill in them a love for reading and learning that lasts a lifetime.

1.Developing a Love for Books

One reason to start reading early to your child is to develop a love for books. This love develops easily during infancy, simply because when your baby sees you with anything continuously they are able to identify that it’s important to you. Even as a baby!
Reading to your little ones at night while rocking them reinforces the good that goes with the object, and as they begin to hold onto things, they will become familiar with holding a book. In their little minds, they know the book when they see it, and they know it’s time for you to read to them which is soothing and brings them joy.

2.It’s Bonding Time for You and Baby!

Moms and dads, listen up, because this second reason right here is all the more reason to believe in getting them into the habit of reading at an early age. As you read with them at bed time or even prior to a nap, it will help you develop a strong bond with your baby that will continue on as they get older.
Reading with your children won’t cease for quite some time, so keep in mind that if you read to them with board books even as infants, it will continue on through their toddler years, and well into their early childhood education.

3. It Teaches Discipline and Helps Them Focus

Parents who start reading to their children during the infant stage find that they are able to continue this habit much easier than they are if they start in the toddler years. As they get older they may struggle with their attention span which is normal!
Toddlers are like this as you know, but if you stay consistent with your children they will form reading as a habit, and as you continue to read with them their attention span will increase.

4. They Will Learn to Think Logically

Believe it or not if you start reading early to you children, it will help them to think logically. This is because many books that are geared towards a younger age group teach them how to take the story and use the examples to solve every day problems.
Examples might be sharing, or even obeying you as the parents! It doesn’t get much better than that, right?

5.They Will Develop an Imagination and Curiosity!

Children’s books often encourage them to play freely, or rather to think freely. The bounds of fantasy are open to a child which is endearing.
As a result, not only are you reading a book to them that engages them, but it will help to develop their imagination and curiosity as well. This is great because if they enjoy it and are free to imagine possibilities, they will develop a love for learning that lasts a lifetime.

6.You Will Give Them a Greater Chance of Success!

Those parents that start reading to their children at an early age will find that it gives them a greater chance of success. Why? It’s not just the reading, but it’s the sense of you taking the time to bond with them, and you are doing it through something educational.
As long as you continue to read to them, and see to it that they are able to put the words and sentences together, they are much more likely to succeed.

7.Children Learn to Anticipate New Experiences!

Those children who begin to read at an early age with mom and dad will get all of these benefits, but your children will continue to anticipate a new experience at every turn.
As they read more stories and they learn new things, they will always wonder what is coming next! This is how they determine whether or not it’s fun to learn!
It’s amazing that you can get 7 benefits out of reading early to your child. After all 7 is the number of perfection and completeness!

How your child develops

As well as physically progressing, your child’s brain is also constantly developing. During these early years, children are able to gain valuable skills such as communication, through learning and play. You can help in this development by listening to them, being interested in what they are doing and letting them experiment and work things out for themselves.
By the time toddlers reaches their ‘terrible twos’, they will have developed their walking and climbing skills, and will have started to kick and throw balls. It is also around this time that you should consider some form of toddler discipline as your child will start to become more curious about their surroundings and will want to become more independent. It’s natural for toddlers to put up a fight when you’re trying to dress or feed them – they want to do these things when they feel like it and to try doing it themselves. Toddler discipline can be frustrating and leave you feeling out of control and annoyed, but it’s all part of your child's development and is the way that toddlers learn to become more independent.

Your child's early developments

Different children develop at different ages, there’s no one rule. However, there are different developmental stages that toddlers will go through, and these usually happen at or by certain ages. If you are in any way concerned about your toddlers progression, you should speak to your doctor.
Toilet training
You will probably start toilet training between two and three years. By three most children will be dry during the day but still need a nappy at night.
Dressing
Dressing will take longer than usual once your toddler decides they want to start doing it themselves. They will start with taking their clothes off rather than putting them on, particularly items that are easy to pull off such as shoes and socks and then probably run away when you try to put them back on! By the age of three if you undo any buttons and zips, they’ll be able to take these clothes off too. It’s between three and four that they start dressing with easily pulled-on items like t-shirts and shorts.
Drawing
By the age of two your child will have started scribbling on paper (and other places!) with big crayons or chalk. Between two and three these drawings will start to take on a form, with lines and circles and by pre-school age these will probably be put together in the shape of stick-people.
Learning and play
At first your child will want to play alone or with you, but eventually this will be replaced with playing with other children, in groups or pairs, but sharing toys and other items will be a problem until around three years, which is when they become much more willing to wait their turn or allow another child to play with their toys.
To find out more about how you can help your child, visit Top Tips for Tiny Tots. This site gives parents information on how to assist in your toddler’s development, and explains that every experience helps to develop your toddler’s brain. Areas of development are divided into four sections – body, emotions, intelligence and spirit. Each section contains tips on how you can help to strengthen their abilities in these areas:

• Body - information on how to use the five senses (sight, hearing, taste, touch and smell) to help with everything from coordination through to sleep patterns.
• Emotions – the importance of using positive language, music and play in your child’s life.
• Intelligence - offers advice on how your toddler can safely play and explore to increase their learning and prepare for their roles in the real world.
• Spirit – describes different types of children such as radiant and indigo children, and how to encourage their spiritual development through creativity and talking about their dreams and imaginary friends.

How to breastfeed

 

Breastfeeding tips and advice

You’ve probably heard that breastfeeding is a great way of providing the right source of nutrition and food for your baby, but you may feel that you need to find out more about the practicalities of breastfeeding – such as how to actually get started – before you decide whether it is the right course of action for you and your baby.

How breastfeeding helps your baby

Breastfeeding is a way of giving your baby the food he or she needs, whilst building up their immune system and aiding in the protection against infections (even after the breastfeeding period has ended). However, each mother needs to make an individual choice as to whether breastfeeding is right for you and the baby.
In some cases, breastfeeding may be too painful, difficulties with latching on, or you may just decide that it isn’t something that you are not comfortable with and would prefer to bottle-feed your baby instead. Whatever decision you make, it needs to be one that you and anyone else involved in the child’s upbringing (e.g. your partner) are happy with. If you do decide to begin with bottle-feeding, and then change your mind - it can be extremely difficult to change to breastfeeding at a later stage. So the best thing you can do for you and your baby is to get as much information as you can at the outset before making any decisions. You can speak to your midwife and health visitor about all your options.
If you are still unsure once the baby is born, it might be a good idea to try breastfeeding initially, that way you haven’t limited your options to using only formula. It’s also possible to mix bottle-feeding along with breastfeeding, but it is advisable to wait until breastfeeding has been well established before introducing the formula feeds as this will increase your chances of maintaining a good milk supply.
It might be difficult to grasp this in the first few weeks, but it does get easier when a natural routine has formed. If you are struggling, please get in touch with your midwife or health visitor for support.

Tips on how to breastfeed your baby

How you hold your baby (positioning) when breastfeeding can make all the difference to how comfortable both you and your baby feel, and also how easily your baby manages to feed.
Before you begin the process, make sure you are sitting comfortably.

• You need to be facing your baby tummy to tummy. You can tuck your baby’s bottom under your elbow for additional support or use a pillow.
• Support your baby behind the neck and shoulders.
• Begin with your baby’s nose in front of your nipple.
• Allow their head to tilt back and move their mouth softly across your nipple until their mouth opens widely.
• Bring your baby towards your breast – with their bottom lip and chin reaching your breast first.
• Your baby's chin will be in close contact with your breast. They should be able to breathe easily. Your baby should have a large mouthful of breast.
• You may find that supporting your breast with your hand helps the process.
• Your baby will let you know when they’ve had enough – by releasing your breast from their mouth and not attempting to latch on (take the breast) again.
• Breastfeeding should be a comfortable experience for you and your baby; your baby is relaxed and a soft swallowing sound is audible. If you don’t feel that this is the case, then begin the process again – it’s natural to need a bit of practice until you and your baby get into a routine.
• You can get in touch with your midwife, health visitor or GP for more information on breastfeeding.

Further help

The National Childbirth Trust Breastfeeding line: 0870 444 8708, which has trained breastfeeding counsellors who can offer you support and information.

Weaning - foods to try and foods to avoid

Foods to try when weaning

• gluten-free baby cereals, such as baby rice mixed with your baby’s usual milk
• pureed cooked vegetables such as carrot, parsnip, potato/sweet potato, rice or yam
• pureed fruit – banana, avocado, cooked apple or pear

When your baby is more used to eating solids, you may want to try some of these:

• mashed-up meat, fish and chicken
• mashed lentils (dahl) or split pulses
• full-fat dairy products, e.g. yoghurt, fromage frais and custard.

Use mashed-up food from your family meal where you can, you don’t need to make your baby a separate meal, but do not add salt or sugar to the food until you have removed their portion. If you offer them a wide range of foods that you normally eat, this will help to develop their tastes and may reduce choosiness or fussiness later on. If you do use ready-prepared baby foods as well as home made food, then make sure you check the use by dates and always ensure the seal isn’t broken or damaged, or that the jar’s been tampered with in any way.
Foods to avoid

• Salt – 7-12 months babies should not have more than one gram of salt per day. Breast and formula milk both contain salt, so don’t add any salt to foods for babies.
• Sugar – Try to avoid too many sweet biscuits and adding sugar to their food. It could lead to a sweet tooth and expecting treats after or in-between meals. Remember; they have no preconceptions about dessert after a meal and so will not expect to follow a savoury meal with something sweet. Try fruits or breast/formula milk to sweeten foods instead.
• Honey – The Food Standards Agency (FSA) recommends that honey should not be given to a child until they are 12 months old, as it can occasionally contain bacteria which can produce toxins in your baby’s intestines, causing a very serious illness – infant botulism. Once your baby is a year old, their intestines are developed enough for the bacteria not to grow. It is also a form of sugar, and so should be treated in the same way.
• Nuts – should not be given to children under five years old, because of the risk of choking. But butters and ground nuts are ok for children over six months old, as long as there is no family history of allergy present.
• Fish or shellfish – The FSA recommend that these are avoided in children under six months old, due to the small possibility of an allergic reaction.
• Eggs – cooked eggs should not be given to your baby until they are at least six months old. Ensure that they are thoroughly cooked, and the egg yolk and white should be firm. Avoid giving your child foods which contain raw egg, such as mousse or home-made mayonnaise.
• Cow’s milk – avoid giving this as a drink until your baby is 12 months old, because it’s too low in iron and other nutrients. From the age of six months you can use a small amount of it in cooking (e.g. custard). When you do introduce cow’s milk to your baby’s diet, ensure it is full-fat.
• Low-fat foods – are not suitable for babies under the age of two – fat is an important source of calories and some vitamins.

Sore nipples

Treating sore nipples from breastfeeding

Nipple soreness can be a painful and off-putting side-effect of breastfeeding, but there are ways of tackling the problem. The majority of new mums will experience some tenderness when they first start breastfeeding their new baby due to hormonal changes, but this should improve after a few days. If the soreness persists, it can be because of a number of reasons.

Ensure baby is in the right position and latching on

If the pain continues throughout the feed, the baby maybe incorrectly positioned or not latching on to the breast properly, which has resulted in your baby not sucking correctly. Check the positioning of your baby, perhaps even asking someone else to watch you in the feeding position and help you make any necessary alterations.
Ensure that your baby’s mouth is open widely enough, as they need to have a mouthful of breast not just suck on the nipple. If your baby has latched onto just the nipple, break the suction by inserting your finger into the corner of their mouth, and gently remove them from your breast – just pulling the nipple straight out without breaking suction, will cause you pain.
When the baby is correctly positioned, you should feel a reduction in discomfort and maybe even immediate relief. However if the problem still persists after a few days, you should consult your doctor or a breastfeeding counsellor.

Thrush 

Sore nipples which develop weeks or months into breastfeeding may be a result of thrush. Very pink, flaky and itchy nipples can be symptoms of thrush. Make an appointment with your doctor for you and your baby, for a diagnosis and treatment. Avoid using coverings that prevent air circulation, such as breast pads with plastic backings, which may even lead to nipple thrush.

Breastfeeding if your baby's teething

During the later stages of breastfeeding, a teething baby has sore gums, which causes their sucking pattern to change and can cause soreness in mum too. You may want to try different feeding positions and pay extra attention to the way your baby is latching on.

Other tips to try

Try expressing a few drops of milk after the feed and gently rubbing it onto the sore area – this will help the healing process. Chemicals in deodorants and perfumes can cause irritation to sensitive areas, so take care to avoid any contact with your nipples.

Babies and food allergies

Babies are more likely to have an allergy if there is a history of asthma, eczema or hayfever in the family. A food allergy typically causes an immediate reaction after eating the food – usually seconds or minutes after eating it. Typical symptoms are:

• Itchy skin (hives or rash)
• Itchy and/or swelling tongue and lips
• Sneezing
• Blocked or runny nose
• Shortness of breath
• Coughing
• Vomiting

More severe allergy symptoms are the same as above and/or:

• Tightening of the throat
• Difficulty breathing
• Feeling faint
• Pale and clammy appearance

The most common food allergies are:

• Citrus fruits (e.g. oranges), Seed fruits (strawberries) and Kiwi fruit
• Cow’s milk
• Eggs
• Fish and shellfish
• Nuts
• Seeds
• Soya
• Tomatoes
• Wheat

A food intolerance has a more delayed reaction, which may not manifest until hours or days after eating. The most common effects of food intolerances are:

• Stomach pain or colic
• Bloating
• Wind
• Diarrhoea and occasionally vomiting

The most common food intolerances are the same as for allergies. Introduce these foods after your child has reached six months, and try them one at a time monitoring your child very closely to check for a reaction of any sort, in which case you should consult your GP or if it’s a very severe reaction (such as difficulty breathing or any swelling occurs) take your baby to the local Accident and Emergency department.
Further support
For more advice on baby food allergies visit the NHS website.

How to help someone being bullied

If you see someone being bullied and you don't do anything to help them then is will just continue and may get worse. Read our advice on how you can help stop the bullying. People who are being bullied can feel really distressed and it can have a serious impact on their life and health. In very serious cases bullying could lead to self harming, or even suicidal thoughts. Often other people at school don't realise the effect that bullying has when it goes on day in day out.

 ullying can be so upsetting and cause such distress that people may need to seek help from a doctor. Bullying can sometimes lead to self harm or eating disorders, particularly if the bullying is focussed on their appearance. In some cases bullying can also lead to suicidal thoughts.
There are usually quite a lot of pointers that someone is being bullied and if you see or hear any of them you're in a good position to help.

How to tell if someone is being bullied

• Is anyone in your class taking a lot of time off, getting to school late, trying to avoid being in situations like the toilets or changing rooms?
• Do you hear someone calling them names, not loudly, but so that they will overhear?
• Are rumours being spread about them, in person or online?
• Are they being left out of things when partners are chosen in class?
• Are they spending break and lunchtime on their own?
• Are people fixing up nice things to do out of school and leaving them out?
• Are they getting nasty phone texts and abuse on the internet or by instant messaging?

If so then you already know someone who is being bullied.
You might be afraid that if you do something about it, the bully might pick on you next but there are lots of things you can do to help.

What you should do to help someone being bullied

• Tell a teacher 
• Go with the person being bullied and back up what they say to the teacher
• Tell the person being bullied that you'll help them to tell their parents 
• Tell your parents what's happening and ask them to have a quiet word with your head of year
• Agree with your friends that you will all make it clear to the person doing the bullying that you don't like what they're doing
• Keep a diary of what you see going on so that you can give a teacher a reliable account of what has been happening

If you tell a teacher what has happened then the bully shouldn't find out that you've done that. The teacher should be able to quietly alert other teachers and keep an eye on the situation so that the bully is caught red handed and has only themselves to blame.
If you see someone being bullied they're probably very upset so make sure they know that you and your friends don't like what is going on and ask them to join your group.

What is bullying?

What is cyber bullying?

Cyber bullying is bullying through a mobile phone or online (eg by email, instant messanger or on social network sites). Cyber bullying is just as serious. Read more about cyber bullying.

How to deal with bullying at school

If you are being bullied at school, tell a friend, tell a teacher and tell your parents. It won't stop unless you do. It can be hard to do this so if you don't feel you can do it in person it might be easier to write a note to your parents explaining how you feel, or perhaps confide in someone outside the immediate family, like a grandparent, aunt, uncle or cousin and ask them to help you tell your parents what's going on.
Your form tutor needs to know what is going on so try to find a time to tell him or her when it won't be noticeable. You could stay behind on the pretext of needing help with some work. If you don't feel you can do that, then speak to the school nurse. Don't be tempted to respond to any bullying or hit back because you could get hurt or get into trouble.
Bullying includes:

• people calling you names
• making things up to get you into trouble
• hitting, pinching, biting, pushing and shoving
• taking things away from you
• damaging your belongings
• stealing your money
• taking your friends away from you
• posting insulting messages or rumours, in person on the internet or by IM (cyberbullying)
• threats and intimidation
• making silent or abusive phone calls
• sending you offensive phone texts
• bullies can also frighten you so that you don't want to go to school, so that you pretend to be ill to avoid them

Bullying and body language
Body language tells us a lot about other people. Think about the last time you walked into school. How did you feel? Confident and powerful? Or timid and worried? If you're trying not to be noticed and looking at the ground a lot while darting into school it can make you more noticeable. You look defensive and vulnerable. If you step out boldly you send out a quite different message of confidence. You may not be very confident but you'll certainly look it.

Hitting someone is an assault

Try to stay in safe areas of the school at break and lunchtime where there are plenty of other people.  If you are hurt at school, tell a teacher immediately and ask for it to be written down. Make sure you tell your parents.

Bullying is upsetting

Bullying is very upsetting and if you feel you can't cope, tell your parents and go to see your doctor. Many doctors are very sympathetic about the effects of bullying and yours may be able to write a note for the school explaining the effect that bullying is having on your health.
People bully others about perceived differences, including appearance, religion, behaviour, disabilities  or illness, family, even how well you are doing at school or how popular you are. It is always best to try and dismiss bullying remarks. If a bully sees that they can upset you then they will keep trying. Many people are the victim of bullying and it is important to remember that noone should be bullied.