The Goal of “Growing Up”

“Perhaps the single most important point for parents to follow is the importance of giving goals to a child. And the most important goal is that of growing up to be an adult.”

“A child should have responsibility and independence commensurate with his status as a child.  He should have things which are wholly his and about which he decides everything.  But under no circumstances should he be possessed automatically of as much right as an adult in the sphere of the home.  To give him this is to remove the main goal of his life:  growing up.” –LRH

The above quote is from L. Ron Hubbard‘s article on A Child’s Dignity and his Goals from the Successfully Raising Children Course.

I know that Toys R’ Us will make more money if children never want to grow up, but as parents we all do want our children to ‘grow up’ and be able to be independent, responsible, happy adults who can create their own lives.   As such, what incentive are you giving your children to ‘grow up’?   Do they have things that they’re looking forward to that grown-ups can do?  Or are you demonstrating to them that life is arduous, that work sucks, that being married sucks, and that the only thing that’s any fun ever vegging out on the couch in front of a movie?

It is continual food for thought as children grow up.   As their abilities and awareness grow, how can you continually demonstrate to them that it’s a great idea to grow up?

Silent Birth Questions & Answers

This is all about providing the best possible environment for the birthing mother and her new baby.

It is labor and delivery done in a calm and loving environment and with no-spoken words by everyone attending as much as possible.   Chatty doctors and nurses, shouts to “PUSH, PUSH” and loud or laughing remarks to “encourage” are the types of noises that are meant to be avoided.

It is based on Mr. Hubbard’s research into the mind and spirit. He found that words spoken during moments of pain and unconsciousness can have adverse effects on an individual later in life. They are recorded in the reactive mind as engram.  Anyone can read about this in the book Dianetics, The Modern Science of Mental Health.

Mothers naturally want to give their baby the best possible start in life and thus keep the birth as quiet as possible.

HOW DOES THIS ACTUALLY WORK?

There is no specific routine.  Just like care is taken in all other aspects of labor and birth, a woman and her doctor or midwife and any others present work out how to communicate without words.  Different women have done different things.

Is it true that Scientologists can’t touch or talk to their baby for three days to a week?  Or are there seven days of silence after birth?

Absolutely not, this is a complete fabrication and not a practice of Scientology.  What L. Ron Hubbard actually said about the matter is:

“Scientology parents make the baby part of the family at once.  They start talking to the baby.  They usually make very, very sure that the baby didn’t have a rough passage prenatally and that the baby had a decent and easy birth.

When a child arrives, the normal thing they tell the child is, “Well, how are you?  Glad you’re here.”

And you’d think offhand that this would simply be fond parental belief that the child was answering up, but it isn’t.  It’s amazing.

You tell a little baby, if you’re its parent, “We’re going to keep you.  It’s okay.  We’re going to keep you.”  And you always get a sigh!  They’re so happy about that.  It’s such a relief to them.” – L. Ron Hubbard

IS IT A CHURCH RULE THAT THEIR MEMBERS MUST ADHERE TO THIS PRACTICE?

Not at all.  A woman’s delivery is always up to her and her doctor.

DOES THE CHURCH HAVE RULES AGAINST PAINKILLERS, ANESTHESIA OR OTHER MEDICAL DRUGS?

The Church has no policy against the use of medicines to help a person with a physical situation. When it is a medical problem, it is up to the doctor and the patient.

DOESN’T L. RON HUBBARD RECOMMEND/ADVOCATES A NATURAL, DRUG-FREE BIRTH?

Yes, because it is best for the mother and the child. It is common knowledge that natural childbirth is best, but that doesn’t always work out, and it is up to the mother and her doctor.

IT HAS BEEN REPORTED THAT MANY SCIENTOLOGISTS WILL DEMAND A NATURAL CHILDBIRTH WITH NO DRUGS.  WHY?

It is the mother’s choice. If they don’t use drugs it’s simply because a mother wants the best for her new baby. 

DO DOCTORS AGREE WITH THESE PROCEDURES?

Of course.  It’s a personal decision of the mother and doesn’t interfere with any medical procedure.  Doctors naturally respect the right of a mother to choose her own birth experience.

In the 1960s and 1970s a number of popular natural child birth methods evolved from the principles of a calm, quiet and relaxed birthing environment and little or no anesthesia.   Two of the most well known and followed were the Bradley Method developed by Dr. Robert A. Bradley and the Leboyer Method developed by the French obstetrician Dr. Frederick Leboyer.

The Leboyer Method includes dim lights and gentle handling without sudden movement that may jar or startle the baby.  In his book Birth Without Violence, Leboyer wrote:

“Nothing could be simpler: be silent.  Easy?  Less so than it might seem.  By nature we’re talkers.  Even when our lips are still, the interior monologue does not slow down.  Besides, to be silent in someone else’s company is so unsettling that we rarely attempt it.  To be silent, attentive, to listen, to hear that which is unspoken – all this demands great effort.

“This apprenticeship of silence – so indispensable for mothers – is just as important for those who perform the delivery: the obstetricians, the attendants.

“People speak loudly in the delivery room.  The calls to “push, push” are rarely whispered.

“So profoundly wrong.

“These loud outbursts upset the mother more than help her.  Lowered voices can relax her.  And do far more for her than shouting.

“Those who assist in deliveries must learn this new silence.  They too must be prepared to receive the child with care and respect.”

Bradley urges darkness and solitude, quiet, physical comfort and relaxation.  He also teaches exercises and muscle relaxation for labor with slow, deep breathing, take-your-time approach in a quiet, unlit, pillow-laden environment.   In a 1965 he made the statement that:

“We warn husbands to be quiet and not disruptive, to rub the back between contractions.”

In a book called The Secret Life of the Unborn Child, Thomas Verny, M.D. wrote:

“[T]he unborn child is a feeling, remembering, aware being, and because he is, what happens to him—what happens to all of us—in the nine months between conception and birth molds and shapes personality, drives and ambitions in very important ways.”

A 1998 Swedish study found that “minimizing pain and discomfort to the infant during birth seems to be of importance in reducing the risk of committing suicide by violent means as an adult.”

CAN YOU EXPLAIN FURTHER WHAT DIANETICS IS?

L. Ron Hubbard discovered the single source of stress, worry, self-doubt and psychosomatic illness, which is the reactive mind.  This part of the mind records all perceptions in times of pain and unconsciousness and in particular, words spoken during these moments can have very adverse effects on people later in life.

Full information on this is available in the book, Dianetics: The Modern Science of Mental Health.

HOW DOES SCIENTOLOGY APPROACH PARENTING?

There is a lot written in Scientology about children, and more on this site. Scientology helps people understand their basic nature and this alone helps parents tremendously.

Some of the basic principles Scientologists apply to parenting are summed up in the following quotes:

“Today’s children will become tomorrow’s civilization.  Try to be the
child’s friend.  It is certainly true that a child needs friends.  Try to
find out what a child’s problem really is and without crushing their own
solutions, try to help solve them.  A child factually does not do well
without love.  Most children have an abundance of it to return.” – The Way
to Happiness

“The spoiled child is the child whose decisions have been interrupted
continuously and who is robbed of his independence.” – Dianetics: The
Modern Science of Mental Health
“Affection could no more spoil a child than the sun could be put out by a
bucket of gasoline.” – Dianetics: The Modern Science of Mental Health

“A good, stable adult with love and tolerance in his heart is about the best therapy a child can have.” –Child Dianetics

“A human being feels able and competent only so long as he is permitted to contribute as much or more than he has contributed to him.” Child Dianetics

10 Reasons Why Handheld Devices Should NOT Be “Banned” for Kids Under 12

Cris Rowan’s Huffington Post article entitled “10 Reasons Why Handheld Devices Should Be Banned for Children Under the Age of 12” has been all over my Facebook wall, having been shared over 350,000 times at this writing, and has gotten a good bit of traction.  I’m sure a lot of parents go way overboard with technology, and end up using TV, tablets, computers and smartphones as knowing or un-knowing crutches for actual parenting involvement.   I’m also fairly sure that the number of people actively trying to prove that their 6-year-old being constantly glued to Angry Birds is “healthy” for their development are the same types who try desperately to prove that diets of purely chocolate and beer are somehow good for them in the long run.

But still, BANNED?   “Banned” is a really strong word to use on technology.   So, I took her article as food for thought, and wanted to offer my own thoughts on the matter.

To recap, her basic 10 points were:

1. The rapid brain growth of kids ages 0-2 would be impaired by lack of environmental stimuli, owing to over-exposure to technology.
2. Technology overuse leads to delays in physical development
3. TV & video game use correlates with epidemic obesity
4. Sleep deprivation due to parents allowing kids to take electronic devices to bed unsupervised
5. “Technology overuse is implicated as a causal factor in rising rates of child depression, anxiety, attachment disorder, attention deficit, autism, bipolar disorder, psychosis and problematic child behavior.”
6. Exposure to violent TV & video games engendering aggressive behaviour in kids.
7. “Digital dementia” leading to attention deficit and inability to learn stemming from media over-exposure.
8. Addictions to video games & devices, and at the same time, parents becoming less attached to their kids
9. Radiation emissions from devices
10. “It’s unsustainable” to raise & educate kids with technology.

Is Attachment Parenting Right For Your Family?

Though attachment parenting is often depicted as a woman who breastfeeds her 3-year-old, wears her infant 24/7, and sleeps in a family bed with her children snuggled by her side, the founding concepts of attachment parenting [AP] are much broader. "It's easier [for the media] to say 'AP is breastfeeding, bed-sharing, and baby-wearing' rather than talking about emotional attunement, positive discipline, and secure attachment," says Barbara Nicholson, co-founder of Attachment Parenting International (API) and co-author of Attached at the Heart. But is attachment parenting suitable for you and your family?

First, keep in mind that attachment parenting is neither right nor wrong. "There are different parenting styles and no one way is clearly the right way, as there are varied opinions on the right approach," says Daniel Bober, D.O., child psychiatrist and Medical Director of Pediatric Psychiatry for Joe DiMaggio Hospital in Hollywood, Florida. "This is because every child and every parent is a unique individual and you need to find what works best for you."

A Good Fit

You can't imagine letting your baby "cry it out." If the idea of letting your child cry herself to sleep doesn't sit right with you, then attachment parenting may work for you. The philosophy believes that infants are not capable of self-soothing and only develop this over time, after being in an environment that promotes safety, closeness, and consistency. This method says that a baby's cries are her way of communicating with you, and that by ignoring those cues, you're breaking down her trust and sense of security.

Holding your baby all day feels natural. Attachment parenting believes that physical closeness builds trust and attachment bonds, so attachment proponents use baby-wearing in a sling or other baby carrier as a way to keep your child close during errands, housework, exercise throughout the day. Likewise, nighttime is not seen as a break from your child, but an important continued bonding time through cosleeping or bed-sharing.

You have a support team. "AP is definitely a hands-on type of parenting," Nicholson says, since it is "asking parents to be emotionally responsive to their children, and not ignoring their cues." Whether it's a spouse, partner, nanny, or an API group, a support system provide a breather, advice, or listening ear so that attachment parenting will likely be more successful.

Attachment parenting just feels right. Many attachment proponents say that its techniques are instinctual. If the practices of baby-wearing and cosleeping seem like no-brainers, this style may the one for you.

A Possible Match

You like the ideas of the philosophy, but aren't quite sure how to integrate them with your full-time work schedule, unsupportive partner, etc. "Attachment parenting takes work and commitment," Dr. Bober says. "It remains a highly personal decision and parents should look at factors such as the schedule and time commitments of the caretaker(s) involved and the personality type of each caretaker, and whether this would be compatible with attachment parenting." Still, there are plenty of single parents and parents who work full-time who use this method. In her book, Nicholson found that "many [parents working full-time] have said it was even more imperative that they do all they can to have a close connection when they were with their children to make up for the hours apart." Often these parents would get creative with their schedules, tag-team with a spouse or partner, or enlist the help of a grandparent, family friend, or nanny to provide consistent, loving AP-style care.

You physically can't or don't want to breastfeed, cosleep, baby-wear. An inability to use one of the techniques of attachment parenting, or a disinterest in them, shouldn't dissuade you. Nicholson notes that the Eight Principles of Parenting outlined by Attachment Parenting International are "tools not rules." "API was founded to give parents the loving support they need to find solutions for their family that will keep their connection strong, no matter how many strategies they can use from the Eight Principles that we promote," she says. For example, if you can't breastfeed, API recommends using similar breastfeeding behaviors during bottle-feeding, such as switching which side you feed Baby on and holding Baby in a similar position to one used in breastfeeding.

You have a preemie. Premature babies miss out on key womb time so it can be important for their development to give them as much of a womblike experience as possible during their first few months of life. Even if you don't end up using attachment parenting in the long term, techniques such as skin-to-skin "kangaroo care" have been shown to be beneficial in helping the cognitive, physiological, and emotional development of preemies.

Not an Ideal Fit

You philosophically disagree with the basic concept or many of the strategies of attachment parenting.There is no single correct parenting style, so if attachment parenting doesn't line up with your child-rearing beliefs or personality (for example, you believe in letting babies learn to fall asleep on their own), there's no reason to force it. You can develop a strong bond with your child through other parenting methods.

You've tried attachment parenting and it made you depressed. Proponents of attachment parenting would suggest that perhaps you didn't have enough support or weren't finding adequate balance in your parenting. But a 2012 study published in the Journal of Child and Family Studies found that intensive mothering beliefs can be detrimental to the mental well-being of the mother. If trying to perfectly apply attachment parenting is making you feel overwhelmed or like a failure, use the method as a loose guideline or consider looking at other parenting methods.

Copyright © 2013 Meredith Corporation.

All content on this Web site, including medical opinion and any other health-related information, is for informational purposes only and should not be considered to be a specific diagnosis or treatment plan for any individual situation. Use of this site and the information contained herein does not create a doctor-patient relationship. Always seek the direct advice of your own doctor in connection with any questions or issues you may have regarding your own health or the health of others.

Parents at risk of fraud after the government loses personal details

Computer discs with more than 25 million people’s details on them have, astonishingly, been lost in the post. The sensitive information contained the personal details of everyone claiming child benefit in the UK, including 7.25 million who have it paid directly into their bank accounts. It was apparently sent on two computer discs by a junior official from Washington, Tyne and Wear, to London via courier on October 18th. The discs – which were not encrypted, only password protected - didn’t arrive. The banking industry were not told until last Friday.
Chancellor of the Exchequer, Alistair Darling, said he “deeply regretted” what had happened, and added that banks were monitoring bank accounts. People are being urged to pay close attention to their accounts in case of “unusual activity”, but have been assured that if they lose money because of this, it will be refunded.

Who may be affected?

Anyone who claims child benefit – which is available to each parent (and normally claimed by the mother) who has a child or children aged under 16.
Older children in full-time education are still entitled to child benefit, so their parents are also at risk.
Child benefit is taken up by nearly 100 percent of those eligible.

What does the data include:

• Names, address and birth date
• Partner’s details
• Children’s names, ages and sex
• Bank account details
• National insurance number.

Why is this such all such a concern?

Fraudsters would be delighted if this information fell into their hands, as it would give them all they needed to create false identities (such as setting up credit agreements or taking out credit cards) or to try and take money from people’s bank accounts.
Banks are now bracing themselves for people to possibly close their accounts – although it might be that instead, they decide to change their passwords, especially if they have been using their children's names or dates of births.

What should people do?

• Check your bank accounts in case of “irregular activity”
• Change passwords on your bank accounts.
• Be vigilant about possible signs of ID theft or fraud – eg letters approving or denying you credit which don’t ring any bells.
• You could ring one of the three credit reference agencies, Experian, Equifax or Callcredit.co.uk, although they do charge for their monitoring services.

There is a Child Benefit Helpline you can call for more details: Ring 0845 302 1444.

The police are now investigating the hunt for the discs.

Relationship earthquake: the birth of your first child

Even after a text-book pregnancy and straightforward delivery, the arrival of a first, much-wanted baby is an earthquake in any relationship.

Whether we are prepared for it or not (and let’s face it most of us have little experience of the realities) the arrival of a baby is a massive shock. Amid the cards, the congratulations and high levels of excitement there are many fears and worries that lurk unvoiced.

Three’s a crowd

First, and foremost, what was a couple is now a trio – and for many, three certainly is a crowd! Whereas the couple may have been able to nurture and care for each other without interruption, the new visitor will certainly be at the top of the pecking order.
Baby's demands for food or comfort takes priority and usually dad’s nose is pushed out. He is not allowed to complain either and must bury his grievance away from the cooing public.
Sadly many affairs start around about this time (for men) as a search for the lost admiration and care takes place. The betrayal experienced by the partner will be doubly hard as she feels less valued by her partner, and the extended family becomes involved.

...what can we do about it?

The important thing to remember is that it is essential to find some way to reconnect as a couple and to be able to voice the darker, more worrying aspects of being parents.

•  Address your partner’s issues. If you think he’s feeling left out, don’t belittle him but talk about it, taking time to recognise how he feels (even if in practise there’s not much you can change). 
•  Get your partner more involved. From mobilising the troops to just changing a nappy, working as a team wherever possible will help you feel less stressed and him feel wanted and needed. 
•  Organise a babysitter to and – no matter what – invest time into your relationship at least once a month, so you remember the joys of being together. 
•  If the going gets difficult it may mean talking with an experienced person about some of the more worrying aspects of the new role.

Sleep deprivation + hormonal changes = anxiety

Mum may feel tired and hormonal changes can increase the tension leaving her feeling alienated from her partner; sometimes disloyal as she attempts to pacify the new stranger who is less than appreciative.
The anxieties of being a new parent can arouse disappointment or rejection. It is often difficult to share these feelings and the chasm can widen. Often the urge to right all the wrongs of our own upbringing can bring overwhelming feelings of despair.
For some, childbirth can bring up more haunting worries. Responsibilities can trigger off real panic. Long forgotten jealousy of a sibling can resurface as the feeling of being unloved or excluded returns. Often, these more deep-rooted anxieties are unconscious and cannot be expressed to each other and a couple can feel they have disconnected and even become hostile.

...what can we do about it? 

•  Renegotiate your relationship: who does what and when is now subject to more pressure than ever before and for the couple who have never sat down to consider their roles and expectations the pressure can be truly daunting. The Step Up Step Back technique is a great tool to balance your new duties inside and outside your home.
•  Stay calm: resentment can escalate and tiredness can add to the problems, and might cause unnecessary outburst you later regret. Take time out before you explode. 

Good preparation is the secret to success

It is important to look at the expectations you have of each other now baby has arrived. Are they shared, are they realistic?

...what can we do about it?

Things you can look at, preferably before the birth are:

•  The practical changes in your daily routine; who does what
• The impact of tiredness or health worries 
•  The loss of one wage 
•  Change in status from worker outside the home to parent at home 
•  Loss of special time together – including sex

Be patient and don’t be too hard on yourselves. Babies grow and relationships can deepen, but you must trust your feelings: if you feel you are at a critical point in your relationship, it may help to meet up with a certificated Couple Counsellor who will have a wider perspective on these issues and help you tackle any personal worries.

Discipline for Twins

If disciplining one child is a challenge, then disciplining twins is an endurance sport. While one child is sitting quietly, the other is likely to be poking his brother’s eye, pulling his hair or throwing a tantrum… Fast forward five minutes and it’s the same scene in reverse.
Helen Kelter is Mum to a mischievous pair of two year old twin boys. She finds their constant need for attention exhausting. “You can only focus on one at a time, but they don’t chill out from the moment they wake until they make it to sleep,” she says.
In one of their latest exploits, Helen’s boys have been taking turns to put each other in the tumble dryer and close the door. Thankfully she has caught them before they found the ON switch!
The Supernanny team has this advice for dealing with some of the most common behaviour issues...

 wins feed off each other’s behaviour, and so long as they’re happy, they will simply ignore Mum. Wherever possible, the best approach is to separate your twins and deal with their behaviour on a one at a time basis.
If preparing for bedtime is difficult, try separating their routine, so whilst one child cleans her teeth, uses the potty and gets dressed, the other does the same in reverse. Without their brother or sister to distract them, they are twice as likely to focus on the task at hand!
Take turns cleaning up toys and give specific instructions, eg. “In two minutes we will start getting ready for bed and Johnny will put away the Lego while Alex cleans up the racing cars.”

Distraction

For toddlers, the easiest way to stop a tantrum is to simply divert their attention. Rotate their activity; bring out their favourite toys, some crayons or sit them in front of a new DVD.
You can also try changing rooms. Even a change of scene from downstairs to upstairs can be enough to stop the situation before it escalates.
Better yet, enlist some help. Relatives, grandparents and older siblings make great playmates because they’re NEW! Five minutes of hide and seek with their older brother is sure to make them forget their troubles. It will also give you a chance to have a break and quiet time!

Routine

Establishing a Bedtime Routine is vital for all families, but particularly where twins are involved. Encourage calm before bed by reading a story, talking quietly about their day and giving them a cuddle. Try to make time for each child individually - a couple of minutes of one to one time before bed is important for both Mum and child.

Reward good behaviour

With multiple children, it’s tempting to focus on whoever is shouting the loudest. The trouble with this approach is that children quickly learn that tantrums are an easy way to get Mum’s attention. Worse still, the quiet child will miss out on the attention he needs. So, before you focus on the screamer, tend to your calm child first, make sure he is content and that he knows you’re pleased with his good behaviour.

Control their sleep

Sleep is undoubtedly one of the biggest issues for twins. All families with twins will tell a similar story – the first six months are likely to be a blur of sleepless nights, grumpy parents and restless babies. When one child is sleeping, the other is awake and crying for Mum or Dad… a mad dash by parents inevitably ensues to prevent the other twin waking up.
Relax! Twin babies quickly grow accustomed to each other’s presence, you’ll find they often don’t wake each other up. If one of your twins wakes after only a few hours, experiment by leaving her to cry for a little while instead of rushing in to comfort her. The other twin may well sleep through the crying, or if she wakes, she might be just enough comfort for the first twin to go back to sleep.
Remember, you’ll parent better if you keep yourselves healthy and well-rested. Helen says, “Mums always think, what if one child wakes the other during a night time feed? My strategy is to just let them get used to it. People are scared of that with twins, but it’s the only way to do it.”

Get out

It’s simply not possible to stimulate twins all day on your own. Try to take your children out every day – even if it’s just to the local park or end of the street. Keeping two children in tow can be challenging, to say the least, so try Supernanny’s techniques to stop them wandering off. If all else fails, many parents resort to a leash. Whilst you may hate the idea, keep your mind open to them if other strategies have failed – you may find it just takes one turn on the leash to give your kids the right idea, and it really is worth trying if it means you can get out more.
If it all seems too much, remember that toddler walks can be as simple as picking flowers in the garden or going next door to pat the cat.
Local toddler groups can be saviours to twin Mums. Find out about parent and child groups in your area and develop a regular schedule. It’s not uncommon for mothers of twins to belong to as many as five different toddler groups, with regular visits to grandma and the neighbours thrown in!